


Awake Me From My Nightmare

by ninwrites



Series: Do I Dare Disturb The Universe? [8]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Best Friends, College!AU, First Love, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Implied Magnus/Imasu, Implied Relationships, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Alec/Magnus though, One Night Stands, Pining, and proud, because i'm trash, cheesy ending, they're for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7185695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninwrites/pseuds/ninwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which secrets are kept, mistakes are made, and two idiots in love don't know how to deal with the truth, until they have to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awake Me From My Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> from the prompt: "you're having a nightmare and i feel bad because you're trembling and crying so i crawl into bed with u and hold u so u feel safe, but in the morning u wake up with my arms wrapped around u you're really confused and embarrassed" au
> 
> title from 'Nightmare' by Set It Off
> 
> This kind of ran away from me I don't know what happened. 
> 
> i don't know anything about college campuses. Not specifically. I've been to a uni campus like once but i never saw actual dorms or anything so, this is pretty blurred. Magnus' tank-top at the start is an idea I 'stole/borrowed' from ['Kindness To Strangers' ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6585856?view_full_work=true<br%20/>) by kuro1neko2kun. You should go read it, it's fab. Preferably after this, though.
> 
>  
> 
> Dedicated to [Vulturemonem](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vulturemonem/pseuds/vulturemonem) because quite frankly this wouldn't have turned out the way it has without you.

It's not an easy thing, to leave home and everything you've known for nearly nineteen years, to a new landscape with complete strangers and a new way of life to figure out, all by yourself.

For Alec, the hard part isn't leaving home. Or even necessarily figuring college life out, an experience so new to the life he's always lead.

The hardest part is leaving his siblings behind.

Max is only nine, far too young to move out of home, and so despite how much Alec might want to sneak him into his suitcase and take him to college, he can't. No matter how many times Max asks.

Jace is too stubborn to admit that he'll miss Alec, but Alec knows that he will, as they've been best friends since Alec was ten, since Alec's parents took him in after Jace's own passed away, far too soon. Jace had been fragile, had hid behind a wall of indifference and attitude, but Alec had slowly but surely chipped away at it until he got to the person underneath. Jace has grown a lot, but he still isn't comfortable admitting his own feelings, and it's okay, because Alec gets that.

He hates his own feelings a lot too.

Isabelle has no such fears about expressing her true emotions, and she spends a few minutes pouring her feelings out against his shirt, before she pulls herself together and just clings to him tightly, as though if she holds on tight enough she'll never have to let go.

They've never been apart for longer than a week in their entire lives. And now they'll be lucky to see each other every few weeks, if not once a month. Alec knows it's going to be tough, but it's also a decision he's come to terms with. A simple fact.

As for his parents ... they've never really been around enough for him to develop a deep level of connection to really miss them as much. He'll still talk to them, but certainly nowhere near as much as he will Max, or Jace, or definitely Isabelle.

And although he won't admit it to anyone else, or even out loud, he's a little scared about this next chapter of his life. Because it is new and different and he doesn't have the prior knowledge to develop a stable plan he can follow down to the letter, as he has, pretty much for his whole life.

But he'll manage. He'll find a way. He always does.

 

* * *

 

"It's only an hour's drive, I'm sure I could come after school on Friday's and go home on Sunday afternoons - I'd even do my homework."

Alec rolls his eyes and adjusts the hold he has on the box of books in his hands. Isabelle flips her hair over her shoulder, out of her face as her hands are also occupied, although the box she's carrying contains clothes and he knows he doesn't own enough for it to be too heavy.

"Homework, Iz? That's a serious commitment."

Isabelle shrugs, as much as she can. "I'd do it."

Alec sighs and darts around a girl with bright blue hair beneath a grey beanie, phone glued to her ear. "I'll call you, and I'm sure that we can both visit, but there's no point making any serious committments when neither of us know what could happen. I'm going to have classes and assignments and you're in your last year of high school..."

"Is it a problem if I want to see you? You're going to be an hour away, Alec, and I know it's probably ridiculous, but I just - you've always been around, for my whole life, and I don't know how to-"

"It's not ridiculous." Alec assures her. He wishes he could place a comforting hand on her shoulder or a one-arm hug or something, but his hands are dangerously loaded with a heavy box and he knows it's more impossible than unlikely.

"I'm going to miss you too. But you can't organise your life around me - you need to still do things for you. I'm still here, I'm just a little further away, that's all."

Isabelle looks at him, her dark eyes critical, analysing. "You've always organised your life around me and Jace and Max ... why is it that I can't do the same?"

He breaks contact because he can't withstand her piercing gaze for any longer. He knows that she's right, she always is, but he doesn't have a response because he's not exactly going to admit that everything she's said is correct. Besides, she probably knows anyway. He doesn't need to tell her.

It would be like telling the sky that it's blue. Or Jace that he's irritating.

"Come on." He says instead, gripping his box tighter. He's got two flights of stairs to climb up, and at least three more boxes that need to be carried. "I want to get there before the sun goes down."

Isabelle shakes her head. "It's two in the afternoon, Alec, you have plenty of time. Your roommate probably isn't even there yet. Then again, you're a day early, so that makes sense."

"You know what I won't miss? Being made fun of." Alec comments drily.

Isabelle laughs, and although he keeps it to himself, he knows that he will definitely miss that.

 

* * *

 

His roommate doesn't turn up, which is just another thing that Isabelle was right about. He unpacks his boxes on the left side of the room, and left side of the closet, not that he takes up a lot of space, his belongings few and minimal.

It's eerily quiet in a new room without anybody else, but it's also rather comforting, to have all this new space to himself before he meets his new roommate, who he knows nothing about, and who, for all he knows, could be a complete arsehole he'll have to spend the next, at least six months, with.

Though, he supposes that he shouldn't make any vague judgements before he actually meets this person.

The next day, Alec gets brunch with his sister, and then spends the afternoon silently suffering through the first few hours of orientation, through instructions on dorms and schedules and social activities and all the stuff Alec knows is kind of important but doesn't really care about. There's an annoying amount of loud and cheerful people, who are far too happy for their first day of college at so early in the morning.

Or maybe it's just because he his coffee this morning had been crap. That's what Isabelle would classify as the source of his gloomy unhappiness.

He manages to reign in his annoyance for a few hours, but he comes very close to snapping when he's stopped from making it to his dorm by a group of girls who appear to be literally squeezing the life out of each other and squealing loud enough to just destroy the freaking sound barrier.

Okay, so he really does need to down some quality caffeine as soon as humanly possible.

He manages to keep it together long enough to reach his dorm, but when he slides his key in he finds that he doesn't need to, as the door isn't locked. But he's pretty sure that he locked it before he left. Which would mean that either his dorm has already been broken into (unlikely), he'd actually forgotten to lock it in the first place (slightly more likely), or his roommate has turned up (the most likely option).

He pushes open the door slowly, wincing slightly as the wood creaks. It's painfully awkward, and not a good start to the whole meeting-his-roommate-for-the-first-time thing.

He scans the room immediately, and is quite startled to find it looks like a rainbow-bomb has exploded inside. There is colour _everywhere,_ more colour than his room, or indeed his wardrobe, has ever even had a glimpse at. There are posters of bright and loud artists on the wall - Lady Gaga and Beyonce and what strangely looks like a printed collage of Leonardo Da Vinci and a woman he's pretty sure is Frida Kahlo - simply from Isabelle's long-winded rants of how much of an empowering person she was - and another scruffy portait he thinks might be Michelangelo.

It's an interesting mix of wall decorations, contrasting starkly with his own bare wallspace. Unfortunately, he's too preoccupied taking in the sudden assualt on his senses, the haphazard arrangement of polaroid images over the previously empty bed, now covered with bright canary yellow covers, to remember that all the new items were brought in by an actual person.

The same actual person who is now poking their head back out of the cupboard, and consequently turning to stare right at him, amusement shining clearly through sparkling green eyes.

"Hello." His new roommate greets.

It takes Alec a few seconds to see past the bright pink tank-top with _i'm not gay but my boyfriend is_ written in glittery letters, and by then his cheeks are already beginning to warm, and the fellow occupant of his new home for the next few months is still staring at him, still amused, possibly more now.

"H-hi." Alec stutters out. _Great job_ , he mentally chastises himself. _Way to make a first impression._

He tries to dispel his annoyance at the amusement still shining from his new roommate's eyes, but it's a little hard, especially since he still has a bit bubbling over from the girls downstairs. It may also be because of his own awkwardness, in any situation, but particuarly this one.

Because, well, yeah, if he's honest, his new roommate is stupidly good-looking. And it would be the worst idea in the world of him to try and pursue that - assuming based on his t-shirt preference that he is, in fact, interested in guys, and that he is even interested in _Alec_ , which is a little harder to believe.

_Slow down Alec, you're getting a little ahead of yourself._

"I'm Magnus, the fellow inhabitant of this room - as you can see."

The introduction is announced with the sweep of an arm, and Alec finds himself somewhat distracted, again, by the grandeur of Magnus' movements. He manages to snap himself out of it a lot quicker this time, thankfully.

"Alec."

It comes out short and blunt, but there's an airiness to his breath, almost like a sigh, an exhale. Strange, it's never really done that before.

Magnus grins, eye contact unwavering. "I must say, I absolutely love what you have done with the room."

It's a joke, at least, Alec thinks it is, but the way Magnus says it is almost genuine, almost like - almost like an actual compliment.

"I didn't really have a lot of, well, stuff." Alec admits.

He takes a step, further into the room, not that there's a lot of space for him to walk into. He ends up a lot closer to Magnus than he'd been expecting, but neither of them make any move to extend the distance.

"That's perfectly fine - I think I actually have too much stuff, so that works out wonderfully." Magnus' grin widens, and Alec finds himself smiling too, smaller, and dimmer, but still a smile.

"I guess we really drew the short straw in gaining roommates, hey?" Alec jokes, weakly.

Magnus shrugs, never breaking eye contact - it should be unnerving, and Alec should be finding it uncomfortable ... but he doesn't.

"I do think it could have gone worse." Magnus admits. "My friend Ragnor is an absolute bore and being stuck with him would have been torture - especially because he never lets me do anything fun anyway, and he can be an incredibly judgy person. His roommate is a bit of a snob, though, so I'm certainly not jealous-"

Magnus laughs softly, almost self-deprecatingly. "I'm sorry, you probably don't even care."

Alec shrugs nonchalantly. "My sister is far too heavily invested in my love life, and my adopted brother is pretty much my only other friend, so..."

His eyes widen as he realises what he had actually just said. "My point was supposed to be that I don't mind how much information you share - especially since we're going to be roommates - but I, uh, I didn't quite mean to say _that._ "

Magnus laughs again, but this time it's a lot happier, and for some unfathomable reason, Alec finds himself laughing along too.

"You're a cool guy, Alec." Magnus tells him. "I think that we're going to have fun these next few months, you and I."

Alec doesn't reply, mainly because he doesn't know how to - he doesn't even think that he's ever been called 'cool' before, let alone by anyone as gorgeous as-

No. No no no. He can't crush on his roommate, he _can't_. That would just be the stupidest thing in the world for him to do...

It won't be easy. Especially not when Magnus smirks at him the way he has been since the very first moment they met. But he has to do it. To save himself from the no-doubt awkward and embarrassing encounter crushing on Magnus would lead him to.

He and Magnus can be friends. Sure. But just friends. Nothing ... nothing more than that.

 

* * *

 

It takes Alec less than a fortnight to realise how hard trying to be 'just friends' with someone like _Magnus Bane_ is.

Magnus is great, he really is - communication flows really easily between them, and it took them less than a day to realise how much they have in common, despite their external differences - but living with him is more of a struggle than Alec had imagined.

Because Magnus is a naturally confident person, in who he is and the way he acts, and especially the way he dresses - or _doesn't_ dress, as it were. He doesn't have a problem with walking out of the bathroom in a towel, and just a towel, or rolling out of bed in tight underwear that does little to hide much. At other times, when he wears clothes, they're usually tight and often with as many buttons undone as is socially allowed, and causes Alec to do unspeakable things to his roommate, like press him up against the door or wall or desk...

He's just - he's _gorgeous,_ one of the most incredibly beautiful people Alec has ever met in his whole life, and it's hard to be around him sometimes. He's also a ridiculously nice person, witty and clever and generous and - and Alec really should be in more control of himself.

He manages to maintain composure around Magnus, somehow, but internally he fizzles and his insides turn to goo and his knees go weak and his self-control practically dissipates. It's a miracle Magnus doesn't notice - seeing as literally everyone else around him is aware of his heart-clenching crush.

Isabelle, for one, has no qualms about alerting Alec as to just how obvious he is.

"Have you ever thought of actually telling Magnus how you feel?"

Alec rolls his eyes and throws a piece of popcorn at her. "Why do you have to ruin my happy time?"

"Because I only see you every other week and I can't exactly force you to tell me things over the phone, because you'd just hang up on me."

Alec doesn't reply. He knows she's right. He wishes he could hang up on _this_ conversation. He reaches for the remote and pauses the movie, knowing neither of them will be paying attention to it for a while, - Isabelle is nothing if not persistent.

"There are so many ways we could be spending our time, and you want to use it to interrogate me."

"Only because I care about you." Isabelle replies, excusing her actions. Alec personally thinks it's a stupid excuse, because of course she cares about him, he knows that. It doesn't give her the right to abuse their relationship because she likes meddling.

It's more than that. It probably is because she just wants the best for him. But Alec hasn't had a lot of sleep this week, let alone the night before, and he really doesn't want to talk about his unfortunate crush on his roommate.

Or how much Magnus' attractiveness has risen since he added another piercing - in his left eyebrow - to go with his tongue-stud, and the row of studs and rings up his left ear and the snake cuff at the top of his right. Magnus is a very bejewelled person, and Alec would find it ostentatious on anyone else, he's certain of that. On Magnus, it just adds to his attractiveness.

Not that he tells Isabelle this.

"I just don't see the point in telling him." Alec explains. "It will just be embarrassing for me."

"You've known each other for a month now, Alec." Isabelle replies. "And you've been pining after him for just as long. Are you going to just - what, ignore it and pretend you don't have the biggest crush on him?"

Alec shrugs and reaches for a handful of popcorn. "I mean, sure. It's been working out pretty good for me so far."

Isabelle rolls her eyes and flops her head back against the wall behind Alec's bed. "You're actually an idiot. Did our parents drop you on your head as a child?"

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

Alec doesn't get to hear Isabelle's reply, no matter what it's supposed to be, because the door opens before she gets even a single word out, and Alec glares at her to keep her from saying anything.

"Ooh, movie marathon? I hope I'm not interrupting." Magnus grins, leaning against the doorframe of their room.

Isabelle shakes her head before Alec can say anything himself. "Not at all. In fact, you're welcome to join us if you'd like."

Alec pokes his sister in the ribs, but if she feels it - which she surely must - she doesn't let it show.

"You're in luck, this one's nearly over and it's my turn next. I've picked _The Proposal_. Alec's not too happy about it, though."

Magnus' eyes flick to Alec. "What do you have against Sandra Bullock?"

"I have nothing against her," Alec replies. "Or Ryan Reynolds, I just don't - I don't really like rom-coms, that's all."

Magnus shuts the door behind him. "Ryan Reynolds is unbelievably attractive, I'm glad you didn't insult _him_."

Alec blushes, and bites the inside of his cheek. Magnus isn't looking at anyone, or anything else, just him, and it's enticing but also a little strange, for Alec at least.

Isabelle scoots over, leaving enough space for Magnus to sit on the twin-sized bed next to Alec, but just barely. 'Next to' is probably an understatement, as Magnus ends up pretty much sitting on Alec, even with Isabelle squished against his other side.

"Ooh, very cozy. I like it." Magnus states, wiggling his body until he's comfortable. The movement causes his hips to knock against Alec's, which Alec tries to ignore, but inevitably finds very difficult.

They watch the rest of this movie, and all of the next two, in comfortable silence with the occassional bout of friendly banter, and all in all it's pleasant. Nice. Easy. And it serves as a reminder, for Alec, that this is what he could be endangering. Isabelle seems to forget that he's trying to build a bond with Magnus, an actual friendship - she's always telling him he's too anti-social and he needs to get out more, and he should be spending time with the friends he does have, blah-blah-blah.

Removing the fact that Magnus is his roommate, they're also becoming friends, possibly good friends, and he doesn't want to ruin that. He doesn't want to spend the next four or so years of his tertiary education without any friends. Without _Magnus_ as a friend, let alone more.

No, it's much easier for him to just push his feelings down until he can't actually see them anymore. He did it around Jace for a few years until he accepted his sexuality and moved on, or rather grew out of his feelings. It's nothing new to him - in fact, it's quite the opposite. It's safe, familiar, easy to slip in to.

And then he gets to remain friends with Magnus. Which is ultimately a better option than _not_ being friends with him.

 

* * *

 

The first time Magnus doesn't come back to the room, Alec freaks out a little. He knows he shouldn't, Magnus is an adult after all and it's none of Alec's business where he is or what time he gets home, but it's still a little worrying.

The thing is, though, they have a routine, and most Friday nights they watch movies together or episodes of shows they both like that they may have missed during the week. Sometimes Isabelle joins them, or she drags Alec out to dinner and invites Magnus along, and a lot of the times he comes. And even if Magnus goes out with his own friends or whatever, he's always back before two-am.

This time, when two-am hits, Magnus still isn't back. And he hasn't sent Alec a text, either, to let him know - well, anything.

Alec manages to stay awake until three, before his brain shuts his body down for him and he passes out, fully-clothed, on top of his covers with the TV still on.

When he wakes up, around eleven the next morning, the TV is off, and the covers are pulled up to his chest. Magnus isn't there, but his phone is on his bed and his towel isn't hanging on the back of the door, so Alec's pretty sure that he's just in the bathroom. Which is a relief, to know that he's back, although he tries to refrain from over-analysing _that_ thought.

He changes into more comfortable lounge-pants and a workout top, and is just finishing straightening the sheets of his bed when Magnus walks back in, towel slung low around his hips, allowing Alec to see every line and plane of his back and torso, the v-line of his hipbones, the dusting trail of hair around his navel. His hair is damp and curled at the ends, the tips of his fringe currently dyed electric blue, and he's humming some 90's pop song.

"Hey, you're awake." Magnus comments, opening the door to his side of the closet.

"Hey, you're back." Alec states drily.

It's a little harsh, at least to his own ears, but if Magnus says anything about it he can just blame it on lack of caffeine or something. Which is part of it, admittedly, but not the _whole_ reason behind it.

"Yeah, I uh - I went out with Cat and, uh, I met someone."

"You met someone?" Alec repeats. He sits down onto his bed, thankful that Magnus is too busy digging through the wardrobe to notice the blood as it drains from his roommate's face.

"Yeah, kind of. I don't think it's really going to be a proper, long-term thing though, you know?"

"Right," Alec nods shakily.

He and Magnus had revealed their respective sexualities within the first three days of meeting each other, an accidental confession on Alec's part, but he's always found it a little awkward talking about things such as one-night stands. Especially because he doesn't really have them - ever, really.

"So, it's a more - friends-with-benefits deal, then?"

"Maybe." Magnus pulls back, bright purple pants slung over his arm. "I wouldn't rule it out as a possibility. Depends on what he wants, I suppose. We were a little, _intoxicated_ last night. I've got his number though, and he's got mine, so - we'll see."

His eyes narrow slightly, curiously. "Does that bother you? Because if it does lead to an ... arrangement, and you're uncomfortable with it, I can make sure that we don't come back here. You just need to tell me, Alec. I never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable."

Alec shrugs. "I mean, if I'm here then, yeah, it would be great if you could ... do it somewhere else. But if I'm not here then it doesn't really bother me. Providing you stay away from _my_ bed."

Magnus laughs softly. "Fair point. I promise to make sure your bed remains clean, pristine, and slept in by you and only you."

Alec glares, although it is quickly softened by Magnus' continuous laughter.

"Oh, you're so funny, aren't you?"

Alec stands up and tugs on his runners. He slips on the jumper hanging over his desk chair and runs a hand through his shaggy hair.

"I'm going to go for a run, probably pick up some breakfast - definitely coffee. You want anything?"

"I should be careful about this. A latte and biscotti would be excellent right now. Maybe a block of fruit and nut chocolate, while you're out."

Alec blinks slowly. "I asked if you wanted anything. Not if you had any groceries you needed picked up."

"Are you offering?" Magnus grins. "Because I have a list here somewhere..."

Alec groans and shoves his phone and headphones into the pocket of his jumper before darting past Magnus and out the door. "Nope, I'm already gone now. You'll just have to suffer with your chocolate."

He can swear he hears Magnus laughing as he shuts the door behind him, lest anyone see Magnus without any clothes on. Magnus may not be the type to necessarily mind how much of him is on show, but Alec has a bit more care for his roommates modesty and dignity - at least what he has left of it.

He puts his headphones in and presses shuffle, not really bothered by what songs actually play. He just needs something, some kind of isolated background noise to distract him from his thoughts. It's all well and good for him to run, something that does clear his mind nine-times-out-of-ten, but after what he's just been told, it's not enough.

Because even if Magnus doesn't have a _boyfriend_ , necessarily, he does have an arrangement, of sorts, and Alec can't determine what's worse. Because if Magnus was in an actual, meaningful relationship, he could probably deal with it better - then Magnus would be completely off-limits, unavailable, _unobtainable_ , and whilst it wouldn't be ideal, it would probably be better, in comparison.

But he's not. It's just ... it's just _sex._ And Alec knows that's normal, especially at their age - heaven knows Isabelle has told him to just go out and get laid enough - but it's different because it's ... well, because it's _Magnus._ And even if Alec knows that having a one-night stand with Magnus, or even a friends-with-benefits deal would hurt more than it's worth, seeing him have it with someone else isn't a smooth sail either.

It's stupid, though, that it's affecting him so much. Because he just likes Magnus, fancies him or whatever, it's nothing more than a crush. And if Magnus wants to strike a deal with someone _he_ finds attractive, than who is Alec to be bothered by it? They've never dated before, and they probably never will, so he just needs to suck it up and get over it.

Magnus is, well, _occupied_ at the moment, so it's much easierfor them to just be friends. Safer, too.

Much safer.

 

* * *

 

Alec gets used to nights without Magnus in their room. He doesn't like it, and he often ends up texting or calling Isabelle or occasionally Jace to keep him company until it's too late for him to keep her awake. And then he stays up for at least an hour before fatigue takes over his mind and he basically passes out.

It doesn't happen a lot, maybe twice a week, if that. Alec doesn't want to think about when they do it, where, or whether it happens more than just the nights Magnus is absent. He also runs a lot more. It's probably a sign of something he shouldn't be sparing any analysing thought to. Not that he really needs to, what with Jace's weekly comments about his sexual frustration and his boring social life. He almost seems to want Alec to get laid as much as Isabelle does, which is kind of creepy considering they're his siblings.

They're right. But it's still gross.

The weirdest thing is that nothing between Magnus and Alec is different. They still hang out and when Isabelle comes down on a whim he cancels his plans to spend movie night with them.

They study together and head to class and have lunch every other day and Lily - one of the few friends Alec has actually made apart from Magnus - still teases him about how he and Magnus are practically dating even though they're not. She's a little snippy, but she also speaks her mind and even though other people take her as sometimes brash and rude, Alec admires her honesty. She also doesn't seem to like a lot of people, but she's attatched herself to him and Alec isn't about to push away a friend. He likes Lily, for her highlights and her faults, and he knows that people like her are hard to come by.

That doesn't mean he appreciates her inability to keep her mouth shut.

"How angsty are you about Magnus' boy-toy? Because I'm on hand if you ever reach the stage where Imasu needs to _disappear_."

He thinks that Lily is joking, or at least he hopes she is. It's a little hard to tell at times. Her poker face is impeccably unnerving.

"I don't care about Imasu." Alec replies. They're supposed to be studying - 'supposed to' being the operative words, considering Lily hasn't even opened her books and his laptop is currently sleeping. "Magnus can do whatever he wants with..."

"With his dumb boy-toy?" Lily fills in.

Alec scowls. "I don't care." He repeats, although he sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than anything else, and Lily's smirk tells him she thinks so too.

"Of course you don't. My point remains - if you ever get to the point where you do care, I wouldn't mind extending my services."

"What services?" Alec asks, a little concerned about what the answer could be.

"The unspeakable kind."

Alec scoffs out a soft laugh, and Lily grins, sharp at the corners, crinkled at the eyes.

"Remind me to never let you and my sister meet. The world would implode on its axis and you'd probably bring on the apocolaypse or the purge or something."

"I like the sound of her," Lily tells him. "I think we _should_ meet."

"I don't." Alec replies, pouting childishly.

"Of course you don't. You just don't want me to be happy."

"Because the only way for you to achieve happiness is through the destruction of the world?" Alec asks, pressing the power button on his laptop.

Lily shrugs. "What other ways do you achieve happiness?"

"Not from being friends with you."

Alec flails and tries to duck as Lily picks up her, thankfully slim, music theory notebook and hits him over the head. It doesn't hurt, not really, as it's only the corner that actually makes contact. The librarian glares at them as she strides past with her horn-rimmed glasses and tight bun, and Alec and Lily both have to hide their sniggers behind their hands.

"You know, it's okay if you do care." Lily says once their laughter dies down, a lot more genuinely serious than she usually is. "You like Magnus, it makes sense for you to be a little upset. And Imasu is little more than a stranger to you, really. Other than, of course, the concept of him you've likely conjured up in your mind."

Her unwavering gaze is unsettling. Admittedly, he hasn't really though about what Imasu is like as a person - he knows that Magnus is only really doing it because he's in college and he just wants something light and fun. Not to be tied-down in a relationship. Imasu is an attractive guy - Alec has spotted him a few times, every now and then, not that they've been introduced to each other yet - and Alec is pretty sure that it's only the physicality of the relationship, if you can call it that, that Magnus is interested in.

Which is totally fine with him, because Magnus can do whatever he wants. His life, his choices, his body...

His body isn't Alec's. It's his own. And Alec has no right to say anything about it, no matter his personal opinions on the matter.

And he definitely doesn't care about Imasu or his relationship with Magnus, either. 

 

* * *

 

Magnus and Imasu break up - end the agreement, stop seeing each other, whatever - nearing three months into the semester. Magnus doesn't seem any different, no cheerier but no worse for wear either, and Alec certainly doesn't mind, because he gets to see more of Magnus now. Not that he was being neglected before, but now it just - it feels like he has his best friend back. And he likes that.

However, after so long of trying to restrain himself from, well, anything - including thinking about Magnus in any situation where he has less than four layers of clothing on - Alec isn't sure what to do. Before, he'd ended up having to just restort to desperate measures to keep his sanity whilst Magnus was _preoccupied_.

But now ... now it's a little difficult for him to worry about that when Magnus is always around. It's worse, in a sense, because _he's always around_ , not just in Alec's thoughts but _physically there_. And he's no more modest than he used to be, which means Alec is still seeing more of him than he probably should be, and it doesn't really help him take care of his little crush-problem.

He's working on it, though. Slowly. Not that anyone around him is really helping with that. Least of all Magnus.

"You should come out with me tonight."

Alec shakes his head and tries not to look at Magnus' bare chest as he changes shirts.

"Isabelle's not here this weekend and you're always studying," Magnus continues, nodding towards Alec's bed, which has books and notes sprawled over the end. "You don't have to be a good boy _every_ week."

Alec forces down the heat and pushes away the stupidly inappropriate thoughts threatening to overcome him. Thankfully, Magnus is arranging his necklaces - as the vest he's wearing only covers the bottom half of his torso, and he likes to accessorise where he can - so he doesn't notice Alec's inner turmoil.

"You know I don't like socialising." Alec mumbles.

"Or strangers or clubs or having fun, yes I know. But you need to get away from this damn campus for a few hours, Alec. You're going to get cabin fever or something."

"I get out." Alec's mumbling is even more pitiful the second time.

"You're a stubborn one at times, aren't you?" Magnus comments, looking at Alec over his shoulder.

"I just don't understand why you want me to come. You're just going to hook up with somebody practically within a minute of entering, so I don't see the point."

"The point is because I want you there." Magnus says, unzipping his makeup bag. He's taken his facial piercings out to apply his makeup, and Alec's curiosity when watching was mainly innocent ... mainly. "You're my best friend, and I do honestly think you should get out more, but I also think it will be fun. And I promise not to abandon you - at least, not without telling you first."

Magnus winks and Alec can't help but chuckle softly. "You're such a dork."

"You love me." Magnus replies casually, as he starts applying foundation to his forehead and underneath his eyes, dabbing the brush over his cheeks and chin and nose.

He doesn't look over, and therefore he doesn't notice the blood drain from Alec's face.

Because it's true. In more than the way Magnus meant it. Because he _does_ , he - he _does_ love Magnus, _that way_ , in the way that he shouldn't. And he hadn't realised before, because he's been so caught up ignoring the way Magnus makes him feel, ignoring the idea of Magnus and Imasu and the invading thoughts of him and Magnus, that he hasn't had a chance to reflect.

Which he is now regretting, because he feels like he's just been hit by a truck or a freight train, or something equally as great in force and pain. He feels winded, actually winded, like he's been forcefully punched in the stomach.

"Alec?"

He blinks back to reality, to notice Magnus startlingly close, only half of the foundation on his face rubbed in.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asks.

"Yeah, I'm - I'm fine." Alec stutters out. Magnus doesn't look like he believes him, but then again, Alec doesn't really believe himself either.

"If you really don't want to go, then you don't have to." Magnus says. "It's perfectly okay, I understand."

Alec shakes his head, almost hesitantly. "No, I'll, I'll come. You're right, I should probably get out more, and who knows, I might end up having fun. Life is for taking chances, right?"

Magnus' forehead creases slightly, but he pulls back regardless. "As long as you're sure."

Alec nods, a little more certainly.

"But I am not," He adds a second later. "Going to _dress_ like you do."

"I hope you're not trying to insult me," Magnus says, blending in the rest of the foundation. "I know I dress provocatively but it is for a valid reason."

"I wouldn't dare insult you." Alec teases. He watches curiously as Magnus brushes some light powder thing over his face.

"What about makeup?" Magnus asks, his eyes on his own reflection.

"Makeup?"

"Yeah. Nothing too serious - just some eyeliner, to make them baby blues pop. Your jawline is already sinfully defined and your skin is annoyingly clear, so you don't need anything else." Magnus purses his lips in thought. "Maybe some mascara, although your eyelashes are beautiful as they are. And silver eyeshadow would look divine, but I don't want to push anything on to you."

Alec tries to consider Magnus' offer seriously, and ignore the fact that he'd basically just told Alec he has an attractive face. He could probably handle a little bit of makeup, as long as it's nothing too extravagant. He's always being told that college is for experimenting - and maybe this isn't what the saying means, but it's good enough for him.

"Nothing more." He warns.

Magnus glances over, and he looks like he's just been awarded a Noble Peace Prize or a lifetime gift-card to Prada or Gucci or something. His smile is literally like sunshine. Alec didn't even think it was possible.

"You're actually going to let me do this?" Magnus asks in thinly veiled disbelief.

Alec shrugs. "I mean I've already agreed to go out ... leave, leave the dorm ... with you, so I might as well try it whilst I still have a sliver of nerve left."

Magnus smirks, and picks up an eyeliner pencil, which looks scarily intimidating to Alec, although makeup itself has always kind of intimidated him.

"Remember when we first met, and I said that we were going to have fun?"

Alec nods, and Magnus steps forward.

"Bet you never thought it would come to this."

Alec didn't, to be fair. But he's made his decision now, and it's a little too late to go back on it, even if he wanted to. Besides, he's not going to say no when it is making Magnus look this happy. It's a small sacrifice - not the makeup itself, but rather the self-restraint he'll need with Magnus being so close to his face - but it is one he's willing to make.

And in a few hours he'll be able to come back and sleep and everything will be fine.

 

* * *

 

As it so turns out, Alec _doesn't_ end up back at the dorm a few hours later. He doesn't end up returning to the dorm until much later the next day. Around noon.

Thankfully, Magnus isn't there when he sneaks back in. Somehow, Lily is though, and Alec isn't sure whether he should be more afraid about what she's going to say or concerned about how she got into his room in the first place.

"Magnus let me in." Lily explains, not moving from where she is sprawled on Alec's bed.

Alec nods and shuts the door behind him.

"We were supposed to get breakfast." Lily continues, her midnight eyes studying his barely collected and instead rather dishevelled appearance.

" _Shit._ " Alec hisses. "Lil, I'm so sorry. We can go out to lunch instead, if you want?"

Lily's eyes narrow almost imperceptibly. "Where were you last night? Magnus said you'd both gone out but you never came back."

"I was ... I was, uh..."

"You hooked up with someone, didn't you?" Lily asks, her eyes boring into his. It's obvious she already knows the answer, but she's also not going to let him slide by without answering.

"Yes."

Lily sighs, and Alec can hear the unspoken words. _'This isn't like you. What happened?_ How _did it happen?'_

"Last night," Alec says, sighing, crossing the room to sit in his desk chair. "Magnus invited me out, said it would be good for me. Between him and Isabelle, I figured it would be worth a shot. We went out to a club and we got a drink, and it was fine. But then, you know, one drink turned into two turned into too many and before I knew it Magnus had dragged me onto the dancefloor area..."

Flashes of the night before spring up in Alec's mind, through the stubborn remains of a headache. Magnus' bright eyes, sparkling through the strobe lights. His smirk, wide and genuine, persistent. His hands, warm on the bare skin of Alec's forearm, beneath his shirt, across his ribs. Firm and present, always present.

"I couldn't do it, Lily, I couldn't keep doing it, let him ... let him touch me, not when I knew it didn't mean to him what it meant to me. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and then I headed back to the bar - I knew it was a stupid idea but I needed something to help me forget. Any previous steps towards sobrietry were diminished quickly and I-"

He remembers the guy, more from this morning than from the night before. Shaggy dark hair, olive skin tone, brown eyes. He's handsome, but superficially so - not like Magnus, not soul-deep and exuberant and spine-tinglingly gorgeous.

_'I am so screwed'._

"I messed up, okay? I realise that. But at the time, I wasn't exactly thinking - well, I wasn't thinking at all."

Lily's eyes soften, and it's enough of a sign to alert Alec that, yes, it is actually as bad as he thinks it is.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Lil, I'm so screwed. He's my best friend but sometimes I feel like I can't even be around him. And yet at the same time I'm glad that he's always _there_ because I hate it when he isn't."

He sighs coarsely, dragging a hand through his messy hair.

"Does this even make any sense?" He asks. "Or am I just spitting out words in random."

"I get it." Lily leans forward, almost like she wants to reach out to Alec. She doesn't, but Alec appreciates the sentiment.

She goes to speak, then pauses. Her forehead creases slightly and she purses her mouth in thought.

"You love him, don't you?" She asks, though it's more of a statement.

Alec doesn't speak, only nods. He hasn't been able to say it aloud yet, although in reality he'd only seriously admitted it to himself the night before. Which feels like a week ago, in all fairness to himself.

"Oh, Alec."

It's the sympathy in Lily's voice, usually so hard and firm, now soft and gentle and pitiful, that sets Alec off. The tears are sharp at first, as they prick his eyes, but the faster they fall the less he really feels them.

Lily walks over and reaches for his hand, tugging on it to pull him up. Alec's arms feel heavy but he wraps them around her anyway, needing the comfort, the support. She's shorter than him, by a fair amount, her head barely reaching his chest, but her arms are unusually tight around his torso and she's _there._

For someone who doesn't really show affection that often, she's doing a fairly good job of it, and it's that reminder that shocks Alec into the severity of the situation.

"I don't know what to do," Alec mumbles into her hair, currently black and streaked with purple. "I don't want to lose him ... but it's true, I - I love him."

Lily just hugs him tighter and lets him cry. He knows that he's going to feel even more drained afterwards, even more of a despondent mess, but at the moment he could care less. He also knows that he desperately needs a shower, but he's quite comfortable where he is, and so the rest of the world can wait until he's ready to face it.

If he's ever ready to face it.

 

* * *

 

Magnus doesn't question him about where he went, and Alec doesn't bring it up himself, too caught up in a mixture of shame and embarrassment and despair to even consider it. They continue as normal, despite how awkward Alec feels at times, and he constantly finds signs of reassurance that he's right in keeping his feelings to himself, for the betterment of their friendship.

Magnus still goes out, every other weekend or so, but Alec doesn't go with him, not again, not after the last time. Magnus is suddenly back a lot more though, out less than he used to be. At first, Alec thinks it's just because they have a lot of studying to do, assignments piling up on them like an avalanche of work, but as the weeks progress, and Magnus only falls further into a spiral of stress.

He can see the signs, in the faint bags beneath his eyes that he covers with concealer, in the tight lines around his mouth and creases of his forehead, in the forced nature of his smiles, the dimness to his eyes.

Not that he's willing to say anything to Alec. Everytime he asks how he's feeling, Magnus simply replies with "I'm fine", or "you don't need to worry about me Alec, I'm okay, really". Alec doesn't believe him, but he also can't exactly force Magnus to tell him the truth considering the weight of the secret that he's keeping from Magnus.

He's stuck between a rock and a painfully hard place and he can't move to save himself.

 

* * *

 

"You're a wreck."

"Hello Isabelle, it's great to see you too, you're right, it has been too long."

Isabelle rolls her eyes fondly and slides into the booth opposite Alec. She'd suggested they meet up at a local diner because she was sick of seeing the inside of Alec's dorm and he needed to get out more anyway.

He didn't tell her that the least time he'd 'gotten out' he'd done something he hasn't stopped regretting since.

"It is nice to see you Alec, but I'm sorry, you _don't_ look good."

Alec slouches deflatedly. "That obvious, huh?"

Isabelle, thankfully, at least looks sympathetic. She's right, he's a mess, he feels like it and he looks like it and unfortunately, there isn't much for him to really do _about_ it.

"What's going on, Alec?"

Alec sighs heavily and fiddles with the frayed sleeves of his sweaters. "If I said it was nothing would you leave it alone."

"No. Besides, Lily told me that something happened and if you don't tell me what, I'll just ask her. I know that she'll be a little more forthcoming."

Alec looks up startled. "Lily..."

"She messaged me," Isabelle explains. "Online."

"But the two of you haven't even met yet." Every other time that Isabelle had been down, it had either been for too short of a time for them to really do much, or Lily herself had been to busy - or not even around - to meet Isabelle.

He pushes aside the nagging question of how much they talk about him, and what's been said, in the interest of other, slightly more pressing matters.

"Forget that, it's not - it doesn't matter." He mutters. Isabelle reaches out and places her hand, palm-up on the table. Alec stares at it in an almost awkward silence before he reaches out and puts his own on top of it.

Isabelle smiles encouragingly, and it's the tipping point Alec needs to blurt his confession out.

"I slept with someone."

Isabelle blinks slowly, and Alec finds himself unable to keep his words from spilling out. "Someone I didn't know. A - a one-night stand."

Isabelle's mouth quirks, a spark flashes in her eyes, and Alec's expecting her to laugh, but she doesn't. A shadow falls across her face, figuratively, and Alec guesses that she must tell how terrifyingly serious this is for him.

"I know, I know, you're studious older brother actually slept with a stranger. What a shock, hey?" Alec laughs self-deprecatingly. Isabelle's eyes soften and her hand squeezes gently around his.

"Oh, Alec."

He's not done there though. Apparently, his brain has decided that his self-contained embarrassment simply isn't enough.

"You know what the best part is?"

Isabelle doesn't say anything, but she doesn't have to, for Alec to feel her sympathy.

"Before I made such a stupid mistake, Magnus managed to drag me out onto the dancefloor and we, well, we danced and he - he was touching me and it was so nice but it was also just so, so much and I couldn't handle it because-"

He has to do it. Isabelle will be able to help. She always has in the past, she's the only one he's ever let himself properly lean on, there's no reason he can't do it now.

"I'm in love with him, Iz, and it hurts because he isn't - he doesn't feel the same, and he doesn't know, and it - it didn't mean as much to him as it did to me and I just couldn't-"

Isabelle squeezes his hand, a lot firmer. "There is nothing wrong with how you feel, Alec. Nothing."

"I know," He whispers, weakly. "But it's - it's _Magnus._ I can't afford to ruin our friendship over some dumb feelings-"

"Alexander Lightwood, your feelings are _not dumb_. Don't you _dare_ say that they are."

Her words are sharp and firm and leave him without a choice but to listen. Alec wants to look away but her dark eyes are holding his gaze and he knows he doesn't have any hope of breaking it.

"I don't know what to do." He mumbles.

"We'll figure something out." Isabelle promises. "You don't have to deal with this alone. You never do."

Alec believes that she'll help, but he doesn't know how.

He doesn't even know if there is a solution.

 

* * *

 

**Iz ** **-** _Tell him._

"Isabelle still refusing to leave you alone?"

Alec nods, turning the screen of his phone off. He's supposed to be studying, trying to, but Isabelle won't stop texting him no matter how many times he ignores her. Messaging back doesn't help because she just keeps pushing.

Her only solution is to tell Magnus, which Alec completely disagrees with, on a personal level.

So instead, he's persistently ignoring her. Which Magnus finds ridiculously amusing.

"I can't tell whether it's because she doesn't care that I'm studying or because she doesn't care about studying."

Magnus laughs, and Alec lets himself smile at the delightful sound.

"Why don't you just turn your phone off?" Magnus asks.

He's sprawled on the floor of their room, giving Alec an unfortunately extensive view of his lean figure, specifically his back where his shirt rides up. There's barely a strip of skin, and yet Alec often has to look away and take a moment to compose himself.

"Because then she'll start ringing you." Alec replies. "And I'm trying to save you from that torment."

Magnus looks up, through coal-black eyelashes. His makeup is simpler today, just a light dusting of eyeshadow, thin eyeliner and mascara and gloss, but his piercings are in and his fringe is streaked with red and he just looks _so beautiful,_ it very nearly hurts.

What hurts the most, is that it doesn't matter how good he looks. It's not like Alec can do anything about it.

"My knight in holey sweaters." Magnus says dramatically, and yet also, somehow, kind of serious, in a way that possibly only he can.

"Does that make you the college student in distress?" Alec asks, his voice soft and whispery.

"Well, I certainly 'aint no damsel."

Alec scoffs out a laugh, and then Magnus joins in and niether of them can help themselves. They desolve into fits of giggles that literally take their breath away, until their shoulders are shaking and they're gasping for any air they can inhale.

It feels nice, to laugh without thought, to just _be._ It's one of the best parts of being friends with Magnus, in Alec's opinion - the chance to be himself without the fear of being judged or criticised. If anything, Magnus is more likely to agree with him or join in, depending on the situation, and that's really nice.

He feels comfortable around Magnus, in the way that he only really feels around his family. Which should be worrying, especially considering his own feelings, but for some reason it isn't. At least, not while he keeps them to himself.

Magnus stands up in a gracefully fluid motion, stretching his arms above his head. His shirt, again, rides up, revealing a sliver of caramel-brown skin and distracting Alec for a good few seconds.

"I think I'm going to call it a night." Magnus declares, straightening back up. "The words are starting to swim together and I honestly can't be bothered trying to force any information in."

Alec nods, slowly. He glances at the desk, where his own work is scattered, papers and books and print-outs. He can feel a headache blossoming around his temples, and quitting now while his brain is still somewhat functioning is a good idea ... he's not going to remember much in this state.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." He replies. His voice sounds odd, funny even to his own ears. He can tell by the furrow of Magnus' eyebrows that he can hears the slightly off cadence of his tone.

At first, it looks like Magnus is about to say something. Alec braces himself, as he has a hard enough time when people ask how he is, or how he's feeling, or what's wrong - it's even harder when he's tired. But Magnus doesn't say anything, he just smiles in that stupidly sweet reserved way of his and nods.

Magnus gestures towards the door, and Alec nods, turning in his chair to tidy up his desk. He deliberates waiting for Magnus to come back before he gets into bed, but then decides that if he doesn't move now he'll fall asleep in his desk chair. He changes into a blue long-sleeved top and black cotton pants, and climbs under the covers of his bed, into the encompassing warmth. He leaves the light on for Magnus when he gets back, and presses his head deeper against his pillow, wishing for sleep to come quickly.

He wants to fall asleep before his thoughts can take over, before they can run rampant and he's kept awake for most of the night.

He's just drifting off as Magnus re-enters the room. He hears the soft, padding steps, the shuffle of fabric as Magnus changes, the flick of the light as he turns it off. The room sinks into darkness, but Alec stil picks up the rustle of Magnus' sheets, moments before he slips into sleep properly.

He doesn't hear anything that happens afterwards, misses the words Magnus mumbles, a similair stream of words he mumbles most nights to Alec's unhearing ears.

However, the night isn't over, surprises yet to be revealed, for both of them.

 

* * *

 

It's the quiet sobbing that wakes Alec up. The pitiful rise and fall of shaky, uneven breathing, the few heightened whimpers that bubble up. At first, he thinks the noise is coming from him, but then he's brought a little more into consciousness, and he realises that the noise is, in fact, coming from Magnus.

That thought is enough to have Alec bolting up, his covers flying back with the movement. It takes him a moment to adjust to the darkness, and the whole time all he can think about is why Magnus could be making the noises and what Alec can do about it.

He fails to come up with any ideas by the time his eyes adjust, but as soon as he notices Magnus' trembling form his mind forfeits control and his body takes over. Magnus is curled up, hunched on one side of the bed, and Alec carefully pulls the covers aside. He hesitates, for a second, unsure if he should continue.

"Magnus," He calls out, softly. Magnus makes no indication that he hears, just mumbles hushed words and shakes with constricted fear.

Alec can't really remember the protocol for when someone is having a nightmare, but he can't just let Magnus continue like this. So, in a move very unlike him, Alec slides into Magnus' twin bed and pulls the covers up over both of them.

At first, he just lies there, flat on his back, unsure of how to continue without overstepping any boundaries. But then he hears Magnus whimpering again, a little louder, hushed whispers of _"Mama, Mama, I'm so sorry"_ that strike every chord in Alec's heart.

Alec throws caution to the wind and and slowly slides an arm around Magnus' waist. He stills, waiting for a reaction. Magnus freezes, and Alec breathes in sharply, waiting. Before he knows it Magnus relaxes, his breath coming out in a gentle sigh.

Alec waits with bated breath for Magnus to react, or wake up, but he doesn't. His breathing evens out, and his body softens against the mattress. Alec's about to pull away and slide back into his own bed, when Magnus' fingers loosely tangle themselves with his. He doesn't think that he could pull away, even if he wanted to.

Which he doesn't, because even though it is selfish, he wants to soak up as much of this moment as he can, because it might be the only one he gets. Ever.

And besides all of that, he's tired, and he is marginally less rational when fatigued.

He always wakes up before Magnus anyway, so he'll surely have time to disentangle himself before Magnus even notices.

It will all be fine.

 

* * *

 

"Alec?"

For the second time in twelve hours, Alec is woken up by the sound of Magnus' voice. However this time, Magnus is awake, and Alec still has his arm around him, except now they're pressed a lot closer and it's morning and a lot of things are happening that shouldn't be.

Thankfully, Magnus seems to be a little more concerned with things other than where Alec's blood has rushed to. Not that _that_ is a problem either, as it quickly disperses to other places, like his cheeks and neck and ears.

"Morning." Alec whispers.

Magnus shuffles and Alec pulls his hand back. Magnus pushes himself up, raking a hand through his tangled hair, and Alec follows suit. He's not sure what to do now. It's ironic, in a sense, because he's spent so long keeping his feelings to himself in fear of ruining their friendship, and now, in a hazy sleep-addled state he's managed to do just that.

"What are you ... what, uh, what-"

"You were having a nightmare." Alec explains.

Magnus looks over, startled. "I - I was?"

Alec nods hesitantly. "Yeah, you - you were whimpering and, and kind of sobbing, and I wasn't sure what to do."

"A n-nightmare..."

"I tried waking you up by calling your name," Alec continues. "But it didn't work, and I was still half-asleep myself, so I just, kinda, slid in."

"Huh."

"I hope you - I mean I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but I didn't want you to still be - I should have probably-"

Alec's stuttering is cut by Magnus' cautious words. "T-Thank you."

Alec looks over, scanning Magnus curiously. There are shadows under his eyes and a tightness to his mouth, but his eyes are still bright and Alec can see the flickers of his best friend hidden beneath the layers of nerves and something Alec can't figure out for it's vagueness.

"You were muttering something about ... about your mother." Alec says. He knows that there is a lot of things he should be doing - getting out of Magnus' bed for one, apologising for another - but he can't stop himself from mentioning it.

"My mother..."

Alec regrets his words as soon as he hears the dejected sadness in Magnus' tone.

"I'm sorry, I - it's none of my business. I shouldn't have - I'm sorry."

Alec swings his legs over the side of the bed, and he's about to stand up when he feels Magnus wrap a hand around his arm, above his elbow. His grip is firm but still gentle, allowing Alec the chance to pull away if he wants to.

Which of course, he doesn't.

"I'm sorry I put you into that situation, Alec." Magnus says, softly, kindly. "But I - I really appreciate ... what, what you did."

Alec turns back, to find Magnus _right there_ , close enough for their lips to meet if Alec were to lean in. Which is not the most appropriate thing to be thinking, _thank you very much brain._

"I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable." Alec says, his eyes locked onto Magnus'. "I just - I hated seeing you like that."

"You, you didn't make me uncomfortable." Magnus replies. His eyes flicker, somewhere, but the movement is too fast for Alec to track it.

"I'm glad." Alec's hand twitches, but he clenches it into a fist. He needs to find out what kind of ground they're standing on before he can do anything.

"So," He says, testing the water. "Are we okay?"

Magnus nods. "We're great."

He parts his mouth, and then shuts it again, conflicted. Alec breathes out shakily, and then Magnus leans in and brushes his lips across Alec's cheek, and both their breaths hitch in their throats.

"Thank you, Alexander." Magnus whispers.

Alec literally feels his heart skip a beat inside of his chest, and he isn't quite sure how to continue. In any sense.

Because despite it not entirely being his fault, something between them has shifted now, something in the air has changed and Alec isn't sure where they go from here.

He hopes it's somewhere good, somewhere he and Magnus are still friends, at the very least.

 

* * *

 

"Alec, we need to talk."

Five words that Alec wishes he'd never have to hear are the first words that reach his ears when he walks into his room after classes.

Magnus is sitting on his own bed, and Alec is hit by flashes of the previous night and earlier that morning. He can't read anything from Magnus' face, his emotions hidden and closed-off, and he can't figure out if he should be worried or not. Magnus isn't even wearing that much makeup, a thin rim of liner around his eyes and the fading remains of gloss are all that decorate his face, and Alec can't help but be a little concerned about it.

And very concerned about him.

"O-Okay."

Alec crosses the room to place his stuff down, and then sits on his bed, on the side facing Magnus. He doesn't ask what's wrong, because he has a pretty fair idea and it would just be pointless. And Magnus already looks torn, no need to add insult to injury.

"About - about last night."

Magnus presses his lips together firmly, his fingers fidgeting with the rings on his hand, a habit he's picked up when he's nervous or anxious. Alec's only seen him like this a few times before, and it's a peculiar sight, to see someone who is usually so calm and sophisticated and _collected,_ so raw and unravelled.

"Look, Mags, we don't have to talk about it if, if you don't want to. We can just, put it in the past and pretend it never happened."

Alec rubs the back of his neck anxiously. Magnus' isn't really looking at him, his eyes keep flicking from Alec's eyes to the wall to the floor and then back again, as though he isn't sure if he can keep their gazes locked for longer than a second.

"No, we have to talk about it Alec, we can't - we can't just pretend it didn't happen."

Alec breathes in deeply. "I guess not."

There's a beat of silence, and it's awkward, tense, _wrong, so so wrong._ And it's Alec's fault, because he's the one who got into Magnus' bed, _he's_ the one who intiated the - the _cuddling_ \- and if he wasn't _in love_ with Magnus then none of it would have happened.

"Alec, I'm really sorry-"

"Wait."

It's not his intention to interrupt Magnus, by any means, but the word comes out before he can stop it. It seems to do the trick, though, because Magnus pauses and looks up at him, gorgeous green eyes soft and wide, waiting.

"Why are you - why are you sorry?" Alec asks quietly.

"Well, because of, because of how I acted." Magnus explains, frowning slightly.

"How you-" Alec plays with the sleeves of his sweater. " _I'm_ the one who climbed into _your_ bed. I should be the one apologising."

"You just thought you were helping." Magnus defends. "What you did Alec, it was really, really sweet. I - I did thank you for it, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Alec says. He remembers everything from that morning, waking up next to Magnus, Magnus' hand on his arm when he tried to sit up, Magnus' lips brushing across his cheek. There's no way he could have forgotten any of it.

"But, when you said that we needed to talk, I just - well, I just assumed that..."

"That I was mad at you?" Magnus interrupts. "I could never be mad at you Alec, not - not even if you shredded all my designs or tore down my posters or - or something.."

He laughs shakily, and it's weak but Alec joins in, hoping to ease the tense atmosphere, even just a little bit.

"Actually, I..." Magnus reaches up and fiddles with the snake cuff on his ear. "There's something I really need to tell you. I should have told you before, ages ago, but I've just - I've just kept pushing it off, but after last night - you deserve to know the truth."

"The truth ... about what?"

Alec's first thought, as per his self-deprecating nature and unfortunate lack of self-esteem, is that Magnus is going to say that he doesn't actually like Alec. It's irrational, and he dispels the thought almost as immediately as it enters his mind, but it still happens, and it lowers his mood significantly.

"About me ... and, and you."

Alec resists the urge to reach out and touch Magnus, grasp his shoulder or hold his hand or _something,_ because Magnus looks practically _heartbroken_ , and Alec thought that it had hurt to see him having a nightmare, but right now he thinks he'd prefer it over this.

"I was going to tell you, the night - the night we went out, but then we started drinking, and, and then things escalated and suddenly you were gone and-"

"The night we ... oh."

 _The night_ , the night that had changed it all. The night when Alec discovered that he's in love with Magnus, the night when they danced and got closer than Alec ever dreamed they would, the night when he followed a stranger home to distract himself from the truth.

Magnus nods, and he looks almost sheepish, or embarrassed.

"The thing is, that I - I wasn't, drunk, when we went out. I didn't drink at all, actually, no alcohol anyway."

Magnus plays with his fringe, flicking it out of his face and then adjusting it back.

"Then if you weren't drunk ... well, that would mean that ... that-"

"That I shouldn't have taken advantage of you." Magnus mumbles.

At first, Alec thinks he's misheard, the words too ridiculous to be real. But Magnus' eyes are downcast and his shoulders are trembling and it's all far too real.

"Magnus, you didn't take advantage of me." He states, standing up off his own bed to cross the small distance and sit next to Magnus. He makes sure to leave a respectable space between them, venturing only as far as to place his hand on the bed. The ball is completely in Magnus' court, so to speak.

"I - I know I was, inebriated, but I still - I liked it. It was nice, and if I hadn't of liked it I could have told you to stop. I didn't, because ... well, because I didn't want it to stop."

"You didn't?" Magnus asks, eyes wide. Alec can see the individual flecks of gold in his iris', the residual glitter across his cheekbones.

He reaches out and takes hold of Magnus' hand, cautiously. He gives it an experimental squeeze, and after a moment, Magnus squeezes back.

"I've been, well, crushing on," _in love with_ "you practically since we met, you're one of the best people I know and one of the most attractive people I have _ever_ had the privilege of setting eyes on. I'd have to be stupid to want you to stop."

"You ... then ... I just-"

"I should have been honest with you from the start." Alec states, running his free hand through his hair. "But I wasn't, and I have made a lot of mistakes since. I'm sorry."

Magnus laughs softly, and Alec is a little distracted by the sudden noise and the absurdity of both of their actions to properly comprehend what he says next.

"Oh, Alexander - and I thought I was the foolish one."

 _Foolish?_ Did Magnus just...

"Not to inflict any more offense, but I think it's safe to say that we are both idiots." Magnus continues.

"What are you talking about?" Alec asks. He's completely lost by this point, and it's possible that Magnus is teasing, but also possible that he's lost his mind. Or that Alec's dreaming, which would probably be the optimal situation.

"Why do you think I freaked out so much this morning?" Magnus asks.

"You were disgusted with me..."

Magnus' hand squeezes Alec's involuntarily. "Not even close."

Magnus sighs, and Alec can see what is left of his barriers falling away. Even with makeup on, Alec has never seen Magnus this bare and open before. He's honoured, and humbled, but also desperately curious.

"I suppose the best way to say it is simply ... just to say it."

Magnus twists on the bed, and lifts his free hand up to gently cup Alec's cheek. Alec gulps audibly, but doesn't move, and Magnus takes it as a good sign to keep going.

"Alexander Lightwood ... I am stupidly and utterly in love with you and I have been from practically the very first day we met."

Well. That's certainly not what Alec was expecting him to say. Not that he's complaining. Just confused.

"You love me?"

Magnus laughs softly, his thumb brushing slowly across Alec's delicate cheekbone. "Of course I love you."

Alec swallows, again, but his eyes stay locked on Magnus'. "I-I love you too."

Magnus grins, and then his eyes flick down to Alec's lips, and back up, and Alec's breath sticks in his throat.

"As far as I am aware," Magnus whispers, the atmosphere shifting, softening. "Etiquette dictates that after unexpected declarations of love, the next proper step is to ... to kiss."

Alec exhales slowly. "R-Right, yes. Kiss."

Despite having just been told that Magnus reciprocates his feelings, and has so for a long time now, the thought of kissing him is enough to short-circuit Alec's mind and send his heart into overdrive.

"Unless you don't want to." Magnus adds, hints of doubt shining through.

His hand is still on Alec's cheek though, and Alec decides that it would just be plain stupid of him to let his irrational fears get in the way. And pointless. He hates things that are pointless.

"No, I - I want to. I've wanted to for, well, forever, really."

Magnus grin returns, bright and blinding as ever, and Alec feels his own mouth stretch into a matching smile.

"Me too." Magnus whispers.

He slides his hand around, so that it's mostly cupping Alec's neck, his thumb brushing Alec's jawline. Alec, unsure of what to do with his other hand, keeps it on the bed until he feels more comfortable placing it, well, anywhere.

Magnus leans in, brushing his lips against Alec's slowly, with the lightest pressure possible. Alec feels a spark race down his spine, and before he realises what's happening he's leaning in too, pressing his own lips against Magnus', but harder this time, firmer, more persistent. Magnus gasps, and Alec's hand tangles in the sheets of his bed, gripping the fabric between his fingers.

Magnus removes his hand from Alec's and slides it beneath Alec's sweater, his fingers splaying across his ribs and around to his back. He pulls Alec closer, despite the impossibility, and Alec gladly follows, lips still attatched. He rests a hand on Magnus' knee, raises the other one to Magnus' neck, up into his hair, which is pleasantly soft to the touch, fluffy and dry. Magnus makes a low, keening noise deep in his throat, and Alec is spiked with a surprising sense of delight and accomplishment, simply for being the one who caused such a sound.

"You're just full of surprises," Magnus gasps, pulling back slightly to inhale as much air as he can. "Aren't you?"

Alec follows Magnus' lead, breathing in deeply.

"I could say the same, for you." He replies, shakily.

Magnus smirks, gracing his thumb across Alec's cheekbone. His eyes move, flicker, never staying in one place for longer than a second. Alec wonders what he's seeing, whether he's looking for something or if he's already found it. Wonders what he sees when he looks at Alec, whether it's changed now, or not.

For him, he still sees the same Magnus that he saw yesterday, the same Magnus he's in love with. Now, however, the sight carries with it the reminder that Magnus _does_ in fact love him back.

That whatever they have is elevated now, heightened, sitting at a brand new and exciting level.

"Is it weird to still be in disbelief?" Magnus asks.

"I don't think so," Alec replies, scraping his nails gently across the nape of Magnus' neck. "It's still very new."

"It's not that I don't believe you," Magnus ammends. "I do, but it's rather that - well, that I can't believe this is actually happening. That you and I can - can do this now."

His rubs his hand up and down Alec's back, sending shivers racing up Alec's spine. There's heat flooding him, humming through his veins, sweeping around his heart. He understands what Magnus means, it all feels like a dream, like they're going to wake up and find that things are back to the way they used to be.

At the same time, he knows it's not a dream, because he can feel Magnus' hand on his back, his neck, can feel Magnus' hair beneath his fingertips, the fabric of his pants. Can still feel the ghost of Magnus' mouth on his.

Alec, deciding that the best thing for him to do is to speak with actions rather than words, leans in, chasing the feeling of Magnus' lips against his.

He doesn't know what's going to happen, whether anything between them will change or not, if it will be better, if they'll start dating - which he presumes, or rather hopes really - but he does know that right here, right now, he's possibly never felt happier.

"We can do this. You have me," Alec whispers, against Magnus' mouth. "You always have and you always will."

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of this happened thanks to my endless listening of 'She' by Dodie Clark and my own annoying personal experiences. All worth it in the end [haha] I guess. ;)
> 
> the guy alec sleeps with is not raphael it's an oc solely for the purpose of alec doing the do with someone who isn't magnus first.
> 
> Also, if you haven't already (which you totally should have) you should check out ['Have Pride'](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7061269?view_full_work=true) by the ever amazing Vulturemonem for LGBT Pride Month because it's awesome and deserves all the love in the world and it's genuinely so good that I cried a little bit but we don't talk about that...
> 
> EDIT: (my deepest condolences in respect towards the recent shootings in the US.)


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